instability

learning to let go
accepting misunderstandings
hoping for the impossible
reaching out to take risks
opening my eyes to the unseen
trusting in the unsure
afraid of limitations
embracing the unknown
admitting when i'm wearing a mask
crying out when i'm afraid

...i wish i could do all this.
but i'm paralyzed.
if i do this then i'll lose all
i've worked so hard to maintain -
a self image that isn't really real.
and a way of thinking that
totally breaks me down.
i have to face my demons
and admit that i'm weak
and i don't think i'm strong enough to do that yet.

Falling in love for the rest of my life

I knew what sacrificial love was

before you came along.

I heard it in a melody,

in a Saviour's song.

But how that could ever look

in another's actions

Were so far beyond

my imagination!

But your peaceful ways

and your harmonious words,

the way you speak your mind,

are truly loving words.

I have so much to learn from you

about how to respect,

And I want to be that wife

that you know you can expect

to be there for you, no matter what -

Whether life be what you plan

of if your plans fall flat.

You are my family,

my pride and joy

I wish I knew you

when you were a little boy.

But I guess the only way

to see a glimpse of that

Is to look forward to our children

and simply hope that

they will be as awesome

as I think you are.

One day I'll be

the proudest mother by far.

I'll be blessed to have another

version of you -

That I can't help but fall in love with

my whole life through.

i love my husband.

Please trust me. I love you. I will always be there for you. You mean everything to me.

I am human. I will fail you. But I want to learn from my failures. Because I love you.

sooooo lookin' forward to my honeymoon in mexico!!!!!!

I will dance all night with you my love!! mexico here we come!! two weeks!!

flanders fields of lost innocence

"Field Of Innocence"
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
[Latin hymn:]Iesu,
Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
I still remember.
-By Evanescence.

coasting through the shaking

heaviness clouds my heart

makes it all out of whack

and numbs me to reality

but i try to get back

to the calm cool feeling

i feel when i'm alive

when the world is floating by

i no longer strive

floating through emotions

like they're made of wind

not bogged down by chaos,

squashed down and pinned.

free to love and free to dream

excited to see the end

not dreading faults and hurts and lies

dreading around the bend

life is full of unending glories

too numerous to be told

like clouds not made of silver lining

but of solid gold

no more coasting through the shaking

waiting for it to pass

before i get my head on straight

step back through the looking glass

back to reality, back to life

back to where the world

isn't full of strife.

relax, envision, create and rest

in perfect solitude

and feel it all in purity

the basic of a mood

that's the freedom i will have

after all the ash

has been cleared away again

stopping the mad dash

at home.

in me.

in my feelings

where i should be.

and you will see the positive

outlook that i have

the calm serenity in my eyes

the words that are a save.

you'll see the joy the love for life

i've had all along

the music of life's a beautiful thing

when you live our your heart's song.

in freedom

in truth

in loving

in worth.

life.

at its fullest.

all it could be.

unhindered,

unrestrained,

opened eyes to see.

freedom from within

to live without

the stress

the press

anxiety

it will no longer

be a part of me.

love like a teenage crush

now there's a poem out there that goes like this:

dance like no one's watching

sing like no one can hear.

love like you've never hurt before

live like there's nothing to fear.

but i got thinking today when i was looking at the most handsome man on earth, that love is so much more than i ever imagined it could be.

so here's a poem i wrote for my handsome, amazing, chart-topping fiance!!!!

loving you feels like every good memory

i stored deep inside of my mind

like, "remember when??" i say to myself

there is no such thing as rewind

for we're so new, and exciting

all these feelings just mounting

up out of the caves and the cracks

of a heart that is wanting

to be even closer

than the memories i'm holding

like my favourite memories of:

drinking grape crush

for the first time,

what a rush!

stuffing cheeks full of seads

spit them out

what a feed!

laying down on the grass

in the sun,

what a relax!

dipping wieners in ketchup

and french fries

what a mash-up!

jumping in a cold lake

on a hot day

what a wake!

now take all these (and there's many more

but i can't get at them all

you'd think me a bore)

and pound them together

squeeze them a lot

mix 'em together

in a big black old pot

and the joy that comes out

spreads all over my face

and i feel like i'm flying

to my favourite place

the place that's my favourite

i feel very truly

is the one where i'm with you

forever, yours truly.

and with all of my memories

tucked into my favourite spot

i feel like the world should not

try to impose upon my tender moment

where we have total commitment.

just let me sit and look at him

content in this living in the trim,

the finer things of life i discover with him,

like the comfort in the harmonies of a hymn.

i love you

always forever

near or far

truly together.

you're too handsome for me to handle.

sitting there playing with the candle.

love like a battlefield

why does love always feel......

like you got shot in a battlefield.

dead by thumb-numbed

rapid eye movement.

guns blazing.

eyes glazing.

not leaving his position.

keeping his vigile.

focusing on the mission at hand.

and not the one crying on the couch.

cuz she's losing the battle.

she doesn't have a reserve.

her focus is on her being left out.

not his staying in the game.

he states it should be fine to join the battle.

it was fine for those other troops to join in.

but she wasn't on that battlefield.

where those tactics might have worked.

this battle was won by the soldiers there.

why shouldn't it work here?

but it's not the same.

doesn't he see that?

this battleground isn't the same at all.

for one, it's in an entirely different country-side.

different paths.

different directions.

completely different terrain.

but sure, he'll end the round.

after he's fulfilled duty on the battleground.

but he's lost the battle.

because he shot her heart.

bullet by bullet at that "enemy"

not realizing she heard every shot

coming directly at her.

stay.a.way.stay.a.way.

and... yet... somehow this is the battlefield.

and she knows it.

she sees he faced the battlefield

in the kitchen.

with weapons firing,

children crying,

old people running for cover behind the fridge.

trying to escape the tank

demanding her own way.

oh yes, he faced the battlefield.

and couldn't she just see that

she was shooting him in the heart.

word for word.

shot for shot.

and he's battle weary.

so he sits down to a battle

that isn't quite so deadly

to his manly heart

and his caring mind.

and he sits there and shoots

at a target that he can achieve.

he can defend and attack

and actually get ahead.

he wins the battle everytime.

not like the brewing battle

sitting on the couch behind him.

that's a losing battle right there!

so she asks him one last time

to turn from the battle at hand,

and come see her take a stand

and overcome the war in her mind,

recognize that he's a different kind

of race, of gender, of love and creed

and she sees he has very different needs

he needs to retreat for just a bit

to get his head cooled down for this

she needs an outlet to strategize

until she can see that she's more wise

than sitting around sulking.

so she changes her ways.

and puts away her gun

and so does he.

the battle's won.

spending time in prayer

TRANSFORMED BY INSIGHT
"We all, with open face, beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image." 2 Corinthians 3:18 The outstanding characteristic of a Christian is this unveiled frankness before God so that the life becomes a mirror for other lives. By being filled with the Spirit we are transformed, and by beholding we become mirrors. You always know when a man has been beholding the glory of the Lord, you feel in your inner spirit that he is the mirror of the Lord's own character. Beware of anything which would sully that mirror in you; it is nearly always a good thing, the good that is not the best. The golden rule for your life and mine is this concentrated keeping of the life open towards God. Let everything else - work, clothes, food, everything on earth - go by the board, saving that one thing. The rush of other things always tends to obscure this concentration on God. We have to maintain ourselves in the place of beholding, keeping the life absolutely spiritual all through. Let other things come and go as they may, let other people criticize as they will, but never allow anything to obscure the life that is hid with Christ in God. Never be hurried out of the relationship of abiding in Him. It is the one thing that is apt to fluctuate but it ought not to. The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep "beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord."

see me then be my sight

Thou art the God of the early mornings,
the God of the late at nights,
the God of the mountain peeks,
and the God of the sea;
but, my God,
my soul has further horizons than the early mornings,
deeper darkness than the nights of earth,
higher peaks than any mountain peaks,
greater depths than any sea in nature.
Thou, who art the God of all of these,
be my God.
I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths;
there are motives I cannot trace,
dreams I cannot get at -
my God, search me out.